There's a party raging outside my friends' apartment in San Pedro, and I need a quiet place to think, so I've come back here for the first time in -- I'm not sure how long actually.

Graduation is fast approaching, and I feel as though I am gasping for breath, como siempre. However, this brief time with treasured friends has been like a breath of fresh air for my soul.

I've always tried to be careful not to make decisions based on what other people are doing and where God is leading them, but I wonder sometimes if it is wrong to even let those feelings factor in. There are people who have been woven into the fabric of my life during major periods of change that have shaped me into who I am today.

After the MTR Rep visited our class, I said, "I'm doing that," and I was pretty sure I was. Did I really pray about it, though? It was that same sort of feeling I had after visiting Cedarville for the first time: "I'm going to school here." I don't regret that decision, even 10 expensive years later.

What are my values?

I have so many interests and ideas about what I might enjoy doing in the future. I think sometimes it's easier to tell what I love - my delights.

"Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:3-4

I love to laugh. These days, my laughter is not as deep or as often as it used to be. It may never be the same as when I was a silly college freshman, but I still love a deep, gut-wrenching, can't breathe laughing fit.

I love to learn. Teaching is a good career for me because I never stop learning as I prepare to teach others better.

I love languages. I love to learn them. Their construction fascinates me. I love to learn the accents and mimic the speech of native speakers.

I love the ocean. Just the smell of sea air fills me up. Sand and sun are involved in many of my favorite childhood memories.

I love when people teach God's Word, not only taking bits and pieces from it, but digging deep and encouraging me to do the same. I love to sit under those who truly study the Bible.

I love children. I love teaching them. I love holding them. I love being with them, meeting their needs where I can, seeing those precious smiles and the "Aha!" moments when a new concept "clicks."

I love God. Not as much as I want to, and never as much as I should, but I love Him.

I want to love Him more.

I want to study His Word better. I want to love reading it more.

I want to learn to be an incredible teacher.

I want to be fluent in other languages. I want to travel. The world is open to me right now. There are so many other places I could go.

I want to keep learning.

I want to work with people I enjoy spending time with, and with people who bring out the best of Christ in me.

I want to do what God wants me to do and go where He wants me to go. His plan for me is best, after all.

But there are other things I want. Things that bely my sin nature and selfishness.

I want to be a wife and a mother. Sometimes so bad I ache a little bit.

I want to have time for myself, to do what I want and go where I want.

I want to have a car that runs and make trips to Walmart in the middle of the night if I decide that I need to.

So, what do I value?

The prestige of further education? The experience?

Financial security?

Friendship? Comfort? Safety and familiarity?

At this point, I could see myself here. I really could.

But I haven't even seen anything yet. From the beginning, I've tried to guard against setting my heart on this.

I want to want what God wants for me.

Maybe I over think it sometimes, but I know that much is true.

Ultimately, I need to pray. I need to ask others to pray. I need to search Scripture and my own heart. I need to talk with God, and to have a little peace.

Also, I need some photos with some sweet little boys before I head back to my last days in Sosua.

~~Knowing How Way Leads on to Way, I Doubted if I Should Ever Go Back~~