I miss grass.

Real, soft green yard grass.

And grass smell.

I miss snow.

I know if I had it, I wouldn't want it for long, but I just miss it.

The idea of never seeing snow again - or not seeing it for years and years - hurts my heart.

I miss privacy.

I miss not having people scrutinizing how I use my time and how clean my apartment is and I miss being able to cry deep and loud and long without the whole world hearing me.

I miss mattresses. I miss carpet. I miss playing euchre with Noelle and Sam and Beebs and Andy and Jordan and everyone else who didn't treat it like it was a game of life and death.

I miss having internet in the kitchen and the bedroom. How self-centered and unimportant is that?

I miss having a schedule that was more or less the same every week.

I miss teaching - just, really teaching. All the planning. Having resources. A printer. Copiers. Laminators. Ellisons. Three-hole punches. My own crayons, pencils, scissors, glue. Money to spend on stuff for my students. I miss feeling like I'm making progress. Like students are actually learning. I miss having co-teachers and administrators who are real, trained, early-ed teachers - who have experience in largely functional classrooms. I miss not spending all my teaching time on discipline.

I miss my family. I miss calling my mom whenever I want to or need to. I miss going to movies with my dad. They will never come here. Well, maybe they would. Maybe once. I miss playing games with my brother at Christmas. I miss Black Friday shopping.

I miss routine. I miss using a clothes dryer. I miss libraries. I miss being able to get in a car and go to Wal-Mart. Boy do I miss Wal-Mart.

I miss my hopes and dreams of traveling. Maybe teaching elsewhere abroad. Going back to Thailand to ride elephants.

I miss not having a ball of stress in the pit of my stomach every moment of every day. But, let's be honest, I've had that for longer than I care to remember.

~~Knowing How Way Leads on to Way, I Doubted if I Should Ever Go Back~~